Stuff My Girlfriend Says

On Christina Hendricks.

Tue, 20 Jul 2010 15:37:00 +1000

“Personally, I think she’s stunning. She’s probably pretty imposing in person. Like the first time you see an aircraft carrier in real life.”

On cuddling.

Tue, 29 Jun 2010 12:36:21 +1000

“I only like it when I know you don’t want it. Consensual cuddling is so bland.”

On the subject of safer sex.

Sun, 27 Jun 2010 19:46:28 +1000

“Man, if anyone ever came at me with a dental dam, I’d be like ‘What’s that for? Are you planning on wrapping up the left-overs?’”

Altogether

Mon, 21 Jun 2010 08:08:33 +1000

Me: This room smells like farts and toast. It's weird.
Her: It's weird because it's not altogether bad, right?

On keeping the noise down.

Mon, 17 May 2010 19:20:31 +1000

Me: Hey, do you think the neighbours heard us last night?
Her: We were pretty loud, huh?
Me: Maybe we ought to tone it down a little.
Her: Fuck the neighbours. If I have to listen to them play Jeff Buckley, they can listen to me getting nailed.

Analogies

Mon, 17 May 2010 12:42:55 +1000

“Getting a brazilian wax is like putting a spoiler on your car. You can go faster and everyone who sees it knows you care about your ride.”

She really wanted a ride home after work.

Sat, 08 May 2010 09:54:00 +1000

“If you picked me up after work I’d be so happy I’d cry. On your penis. With my mouth.”

"Don’t even try to tell me I’m not a better person than someone who carries a collapsible..."

Sun, 18 Apr 2010 08:28:54 +1000

““Don’t even try to tell me I’m not a better person than someone who carries a collapsible walking stick.””

- We saw some people with those hiking poles. She was not impressed.

Her: Are you going to stick it in me again later?

Sat, 27 Mar 2010 10:13:38 +1100

Her: Are you going to stick it in me again later?
Me: That's not very romantic.
Her: We could light a candle.

I went to have a shower after making the sexytime.

Sat, 06 Mar 2010 09:01:40 +1100

“It’s all right for you. Some of us have to smell like vagina all the time!”

She said 'John Hancock' instead of signature

Wed, 03 Mar 2010 23:11:09 +1100

Me: Er, we don't use that term here.
Her: Of course you don't! That's because he didn't sign your declaration of independence, you non-constitution-having, freedom-of-speech-hating motherfucker!

I foolishly told her she'd never be able to understand what it's like to be a man.

Wed, 24 Feb 2010 12:35:45 +1100

“Sure I will. Next time we have sex when I’m finished I’ll spray you in the face with a seltzer bottle.”

Jonathan Safran Foer said on TV that Turkeys are too deformed to mate naturally.

Sun, 21 Feb 2010 22:22:46 +1100

“Just like Rush Limbaugh!”

I was apologising for not being perfect.

Fri, 19 Feb 2010 23:02:33 +1100

“Aw baby! Sometimes you’re a dipshit, but you’re never a douchebag.”

She saw the new 'Computer Engineer Barbie'.

Sat, 13 Feb 2010 10:47:02 +1100

Look! They released Cam-Whore Barbie!

She likes KFC nuggets, but only in Australia, not in America.

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 11:42:55 +1100

“That’s because yours are made of chicken and ours are made of illegal immigrants or something.”

You know that TV show 'Hoarders'?

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 11:46:07 +1100

“I can’t watch that shit because I’m convinced I’m one two-month old magazine and a saved pickle jar away from being one of those people.”

She was apologising. Kind of.

Sat, 30 Jan 2010 11:41:00 +1100

“I’m sorry. Well, I’m not sorry. I’m sorry you’re a moron.”

She saw a rather unfortunate photo of a naked lady.

Sat, 16 Jan 2010 09:48:23 +1100

“She looks like a condom stuffed with butter. No, not even butter. Margarine.”

She can't stand Jagermeister

Sat, 16 Jan 2010 08:13:01 +1100

“That stuff is the repressed Christian house-wife of booze. It won’t go down without a fight.”