Stuff My Girlfriend Says

We saw a guy in a fedora and pleather jacket.

Sun, 12 May 2013 13:46:38 +1000

“I wonder what his Reddit name is.”

I found some old jeans. I said "Holy Crap, I was fat! Why didn't you say anything?"

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 11:32:19 +1100

“I liked the way your gut rubbed on my junk while we were having sex.”

I'm starting back at the gym

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 08:00:51 +1100

Me: Maybe I should take photos to track my progress.
Her: Maybe you should just buy a Captain America suit.

She doesn't like the cinema

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 20:50:00 +1100

“If I wanted to sit in a room and listen to people cough and chew, I’d hand out popcorn in a doctor’s waiting room.”

On testicles

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 20:59:36 +1100

“You know, I don’t actually like your balls. They’re like the fat friend you have to put up with so you can make out with the hot chick.”

I complained about getting some grey hairs.

Sat, 19 Nov 2011 08:23:18 +1100

“It’s OK, George Clooney. I’m sure you’ll find a pot-bellied pig to love you.”

I bruise easier than most people.

Mon, 07 Nov 2011 12:47:08 +1100

“Man, you look like a banana from the bottom of the bin!”

On chemistry.

Sun, 09 Oct 2011 12:40:08 +1100

“You can’t use silicone lubricant with silicone sex-toys because that’s how you get anti-matter in your vagina.”

On acrylic nails

Sun, 02 Oct 2011 16:10:31 +1100

“Last time I saw nails like that they were in Tommy Lee’s butt-hole!”

Advice to other women on toilet etiquette.

Thu, 29 Sep 2011 09:47:53 +1000

“Set your piss-muffin to stream instead of spray.”

She sees some upside to my overly long moustache

Tue, 13 Sep 2011 16:11:36 +1000

“At least it covers your gums when you smile!”

I asked her what laser hair removal was like.

Wed, 20 Jul 2011 07:29:27 +1000

“It felt like being licked by a robot cat.”

An old flame contacted me out of the blue.

Thu, 14 Jul 2011 18:22:14 +1000

“You mean after all this time, bitch is still dickmatized?”

On asexuals.

Thu, 14 Jul 2011 09:51:27 +1000

“I’d much rather date a quadriplegic. At least then you could have some awesome Stephen Hawking Speak’N’Spell sex.”

She knows where she comes from.

Sat, 25 Jun 2011 13:15:53 +1000

“Back then I was a typical asshole southern Californian. I mean, I still am.”

She's impressed by her own chest.

Tue, 29 Mar 2011 08:42:34 +1100

“I have the perfect sternum-to-tit-meat ratio!”

On underwear.

Mon, 21 Mar 2011 08:18:58 +1100

“Fuck bras. Bras cramp my style.”

On the merits of burgers over steak sandwiches.

Wed, 02 Mar 2011 09:43:18 +1100

“A steak sandwich is just a burger you have to chew harder.”

I'd been wearing the same jeans for a week.

Wed, 16 Feb 2011 10:56:56 +1100

“At this stage they’re not so much pants as a denim sack held together by farts.”

Because she wasn't drinking alcohol, a friend asked if she was pregnant.

Wed, 09 Feb 2011 09:48:25 +1100

“Why? Do you have to be sober to get an abortion?”