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Yes, she said all of this stuff. Really.
“At least it covers your gums when you smile!”
“It felt like being licked by a robot cat.”
“You mean after all this time, bitch is still dickmatized?”
“I’d much rather date a quadriplegic. At least then you could have some awesome Stephen Hawking Speak’N’Spell sex.”
“Back then I was a typical asshole southern Californian. I mean, I still am.”
“I have the perfect sternum-to-tit-meat ratio!”
“Fuck bras. Bras cramp my style.”
“A steak sandwich is just a burger you have to chew harder.”
“At this stage they’re not so much pants as a denim sack held together by farts.”
“Why? Do you have to be sober to get an abortion?”