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*75

She can’t stand Jagermeister

“That stuff is the repressed Christian house-wife of booze. It won’t go down without a fight.”

*64

A female friend asked me out for a drink.

“Be careful. I think she has you on her ‘to do’ list!”

I asked her if she thought she’d be good at writing an advice column.

“No fucking way. I only have two pieces of advice. If you’re under 25 –- shut the fuck up, junior. If you’re over 25 — grow the fuck up, loser.”

*63

I asked her if she knew if some mutual acquaintances were dating each other.

“How should I I know? I can’t be bothered keeping track of the sex lives of the moderately attractive.”

On the radio, Queen’s Freddie Mercury was singing ‘Fat Bottomed Girls You Make The Rocking World Go Round’.

“Gay guys are always saying how much they like fat chicks. I think it’s because they don’t have to fuck them.”

*34

I asked if we had any Jagermeister in the house.

“No, but I got you Wild Berry Metamucil!”

*32

Cricket was on television. I asked if she was enjoying it.

“Cricket? I thought this was a gardening show!”

*44

I was wearing white pants, white shoes, a black shirt and a gingham seersucker blazer. Oh, and I have a handlebar moustache.

“I hope the look you’re going for is ‘Pablo Escobar’s Interior Designer’ because you have totally nailed it.”

*30

I told her about Tiger Woods’ car accident.

“Was he taking driving lessons from Billy Joel?”

Wait, what?

“I don’t like getting oral sex when I first wake up because then my vagina will have morning breath.”