Stuff My Girlfriend Says

I flipped channels over to a basketball...

“Can you turn that off? It sounds like a dolphin-rape orgy.”

Sep 30th

On growing older gracefully

“I found my first grey hair today. That’s the last time I let my brazilian grow...

Sep 29th

On Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake

“When they have sex it must look like a spider-monkey trying to hump a rhino.”

Sep 28th

I asked why Wolverine's claws make noise...

“Given that it’s Hugh Jackman, I’m surprised a Judy Garland medley doesn’t...

Sep 22nd

Perks of the job

“I miss being a flight attendant. My uniform was cute, pilots flirted with me and I got to...

Sep 22nd

Interested in helping me spread the word and...

Sep 21st

My girlfriend – Queen of Animal Welfare.

Collector for an animal charity: Do you like puppies?
My girlfriend: To eat?

Sep 20th

Bikini Wax: not up to normal high...

“I’ve got so much wax stuck to my vag it looks like a Babybel cheese.”

Sep 20th

The fairness doctrine

“How come that poor South African sprinter gets gender tested and we’re still letting...

Sep 17th

She's not really a big fan of foreplay

“Hey, we lead busy lives. If I had time to sit around and get licked for half an hour,...

Sep 15th

Multitasking

Friend: I'm going to help your girlfriend learn how to knit!
Me: No fucking way. Absolutely not.
My Girlfriend: Why?
Me: Because people who knit don't fuck.
Friend: Yes they do. Have you SEEN how many knitted penis warmers there are on the internet?
Me: You know what keeps a penis warm? A vagina.
My Girlfriend: You hardly ever have sex at the front of me anyway. I could still knit.

Sep 15th

She made a poor choice for lunch.

“Eating salad for lunch is like fucking a guy with a small dick. You did a good deed, but...

Sep 10th

She tasted Bundaberg Rum for the first...

“This tastes like it was fermented in a dead pirate’s asshole!”

Sep 9th

Jack Johnson was playing on the pub's...

“This is mangina music.”

Sep 9th

The flight was full of screaming kids.

“Can’t wait to go to the toilet and see if I can defecate all my viable eggs.”

Sep 8th

So there was a picture of Lady Ga-Ga…

“She looks like somebody shaved a poodle and dipped it in fake-tan.”

Sep 8th

There was an story on the news about a...

“Nobody ever talks about the ruly mobs.”

Sep 8th

We are flying a discount airline

“In preparation for your flight today, please ensure your gunt is stuffed fully into your...

Sep 3rd