July 2009
13 posts
Her description of what sex with a person we know...
“Imagine being balls-deep in a hot-pocket of crazy.”
We follow different people on Twitter
“You follow too many sluts who have their shit protected, yo. How am I supposed to spy?”
Yes, this really happened.
“I was going to offer you anal in exchange for getting me Indian food for dinner, but tonight probably offers a pretty small window for cashing that check.”
On hugs
“I’m done with this hug now. It feels less like you’re hugging me and more like you’re with-holding a boning.”
I said something funny and nobody was there to...
“Whatever, @Sween. Save it for the day crew.”
And that's the way it is…
“I’ll never love you any less, babe. You’re my everything. Unless you let me get a kitten.”
She's a tattoo traditionalist.
“I don’t like coloured tattoos. If you want a coloured tattoo, just get it done in black outlines and then you can colour it in with markers every day. That way you don’t have to worry about it fading.”
She put some Fritos into her tomato soup.
“Oh GOD. Foodgasm! It tastes like tomatoes and dog feet! YUM!”
On public grief over dead celebrities
“Let me blog my Walter Cronkite story! One time, I watched him on TeeVee! Now he is dead and I am sad! THE END!
Let me tell you my Michael Jackson story! This one time, I listened to a Michael Jackson album but I don’t remember which one now he is dead I am sad. The End!”
She asked me to come home for a nooner.
“Pilates was oddly sexual. When I say oddly, I mean awesomely.”
On Kat Von D
“I bet she smells like cigarettes, Aqua-Net, and dick-cheese.”
On a picture she found on the internet.
“Look! It’s Barbies having sex and high-fiving each other! That is so me.”
On some 'saucy' pics she emailed me to cheer me up...
“I want those pics used for my missing poster or my obituary. I know my head is cut off in them. People will know me by my cracking cans.”