June 2009
22 posts
Our lives are this nerdy.
“I think you should call me Tumblarity because I keep randomly going down on you.”
The 80's were a different time
Her: Debbie Harry sure loved getting her tits out. Can't say I blame her.
Me: Remember, it was the 80's. She was probably high the whole time.
Her: I don't need to be high to get my tits out. I'm just high on the fact I have such awesome tits!
On meth-heads.
“I don’t know why they’re always trying to pick the bugs out of their skin. They should leave the bugs in there - they’re probably the healthiest thing in a junky’s body!”
She asked me what netbooks were so I showed her a...
“Oh, so they’re for Japanese people? Are they optimised for surfing Hello Kitty porn?”
I was singing like Michael McDonald. She was not a...
“I hope you know that that’s the voice that makes my vagina grow shut.”
She did not find that film 'Seven Pounds' very...
“Seriously, who’d give Woody Harrelson their eyes? He’s just going to suck bongs with them.”
On keeping count
“I would like to have a thing attached to my waist like a pedometer only every time I say “rape” or “aids” it ticks over.”
On matters related to consent
“I wonder if I ever got date-raped and didn’t notice because I liked it.”
Semiotics.
“Look, a rainbow! That means people are having gay sex. Hope it’s two hot chicks.”
On the out of character shape of her tummy
“I’m bloated and full of period-juice.”
Okkervil River was playing on the stereo while we...
“Can you turn that off? It makes me worry you might be pretending I’m a dude.”
She said she had a sore tummy. I asked if it had...
“Yes. It should be poop by now.”
All I did was mention that there was nothing on TV
“Put on ‘Merlin’. You LOVE gay shit.”
I said 'Those shoes are sexy, you should leave...
“Yeah, but to get in you’ll need to cut a hole in my tights. Two holes, if you’re lucky.”
On seeing me bend over naked
“Whoa! It’s like going out the back of a butcher’s store – all that swinging meat!”
On prerequisites
“I can’t fall in love with someone until I know they’re good at boning. It’s a relationship, not an apprenticeship.”
On bodily gases
“I find it very disconcerting when they smell like KFC. I’m like ‘hey, weren’t you meant to go through some kind of process?’”
On the subject of attraction
“Yeah, that’s the thing with people from {NAME OF CITY}, they date ugly people so they seem like they’re deep.”
On why she was not going to wear a bra that day
“Because my boobs are awesome and they must be free to point at the sky!”
On her seeming lack of enthusiasm while she...
“You get enthusiasm, or you get boobs. You don’t get both.”
On me turning down sex because I had to go to work
“That boner is wasted on you, you fucking killjoy.”
May 2009
30 posts
On a foreigner we know who is traveling through...
“She is gonna back up on so much random dick it’s incredible.”
A friend was telling us about a BDSM party she...
Female Friend: And then these two midgets came up to me and asked if I did threesomes!
My Girlfriend: Did you tell them yes, but you don't do fractions?
On eating yoghurt and muesli each morning.
“The muesli is for fibre, and the yoghurt has bacteria for a healthy vagina. It’s my complete two-hole breakfast.”
On seeing my morning bed-head
“What’s up, 80s-bad-guy-hair?”