May 2009
30 posts
On watching me in the mornings
“I love watching you get dressed. You’re so cute. Like a monkey playing with Lego.”
On a method of determining the size of a vagina.
“In echoes! A big one is three echoes!”
On leaving me alone for a few weeks
“Ok here’s where I put the laundry detergent and bleach. In case you, like, murder a hooker in bed or something.”
On noticing a blemish on my face
“Look we have matching zits! Awwwwwwww! Let’s make then KISS! MWAH!”
On getting the milk from the cow
“I’d just cut it out. Easier.”
The joke is on whom, exactly?
“When people read that blog, they don’t think I’m a retard. They think you’re a retard for dating me.”
On the subject of milk, and the lack of it in the...
“Buy a cow?”
On my sexual repertoire.
“What’s with all the missionary lately, fag?’
On hearing that some people don't drink when they...
“I look forward to hearing about the mating rituals of this fascinating tribe of non-drinking folk. I, for one, don’t have much hope for the survival of their species.”
On me needing a back-up girlfriend.
Me: I think I need a second girlfriend for when you're out of action.
Her: Really?
Me: Yes, like a stunt girlfriend.
Her: A stump girlfriend?
Me: No. Stunt.
Her: Yeah, stump! You can have a stump girlfriend! No arms or legs! I would want to see that - it would be like watching you fuck a beach-ball.
On seeing the Carson Kressley show where he...
“I want to have a tv show like that. I will say, “STOP BEING FAT” and whenever the women try to eat, I will zap them with a cattle prod. When they are a size 6, they’ll thank me.”
On eating a bowl of muesli
“I have to eat this so I can poop us both out a granola bar.”
On handing a piece of KFC to me as I drive
“Here! I got you a flipper!”
So she heard someone on TV say 'Killadelphia'.
“Hey, you know the capital of Killadelphia? It’s Shitsburgh!”
On seeing an asian guy who looked like our friend...
“Hey, there’s Jelome!”
On seeing a picture of me and my friend posing in...
“This is gayer than Liberace fisting Tom Cruise at an Erasure concert.”
On hearing other women complaining about the pain...
“I have a VAG OF STEEL!”
On being told by someone that they hate alarm...
“Sucks to be you. When I hear the alarm, I think, ‘YAY, SEX!’ and then, ‘YAY, COFFEE!’. I love mornings.”
On reputation management
“If you’re going to have that blog at least have a pic up of me so people know I’m not an ugly fatty!”
On bisexual men
“I am like the Starship Enterprise. I like to go where no man has gone before.”
On lesbians
“Chicks are a hassle. If I were a lesbian I’d just throw the chick a vibrator and an economy size pack of batteries and tell her to have at it while I went shopping. Wait, that sounds like the perfect relationship!”
On the shape of her pubic hair after a trip to the...
“You know who else had a bikini wax? (Pulls down panties) HITLER”
On seeing a larger than normal number of drunks...
“Man, someone shook up the antfarm!”
On the perambulatory habits of Asians
“All sidewalks in the city should have a designated Asians lane. Old people and retards would have to use it too.”
On finding out that I was doing this blog...
“No way fucker! I’m not being the Carl Pilkington to your Ricky Gervais!”
On the benefits of Pineapple Juice
“I love pineapple juice so much. If I was a dude would have the best tasting spooge ever.”
Stuff My Girlfriend Says is now a Tumblr
I’ll transfer the posts from the old site to here as I can.!