July 2010
1 post
On Christina Hendricks.
“Personally, I think she’s stunning. She’s probably pretty imposing in person. Like the first time you see an aircraft carrier in real life.”  
Jul 19th
120 notes
June 2010
3 posts
On cuddling.
“I only like it when I know you don’t want it. Consensual cuddling is so bland.”
Jun 28th
152 notes
On the subject of safer sex.
“Man, if anyone ever came at me with a dental dam, I’d be like ‘What’s that for? Are you planning on wrapping up the left-overs?’”
Jun 26th
74 notes
Altogether
Me: This room smells like farts and toast. It's weird.
Her: It's weird because it's not altogether bad, right?
Jun 20th
11 notes
May 2010
3 posts
On keeping the noise down.
Me: Hey, do you think the neighbours heard us last night?
Her: We were pretty loud, huh?
Me: Maybe we ought to tone it down a little.
Her: Fuck the neighbours. If I have to listen to them play Jeff Buckley, they can listen to me getting nailed.
May 16th
235 notes
Analogies
“Getting a brazilian wax is like putting a spoiler on your car. You can go faster and everyone who sees it knows you care about your ride.”
May 16th
171 notes
She really wanted a ride home after work.
“If you picked me up after work I’d be so happy I’d cry. On your penis. With my mouth.”
May 7th
309 notes
April 2010
1 post
“Don’t even try to tell me I’m not a better person than someone who...”
– We saw some people with those hiking poles. She was not impressed.
Apr 17th
37 notes
March 2010
3 posts
Her: Are you going to stick it in me again later?
Me: That's not very romantic.
Her: We could light a candle.
Mar 26th
351 notes
I went to have a shower after making the sexytime.
“It’s all right for you. Some of us have to smell like vagina all the time!”
Mar 5th
99 notes
She said 'John Hancock' instead of signature
Me: Er, we don't use that term here.
Her: Of course you don't! That's because he didn't sign your declaration of independence, you non-constitution-having, freedom-of-speech-hating motherfucker!
Mar 2nd
147 notes
February 2010
6 posts
I foolishly told her she'd never be able to...
“Sure I will. Next time we have sex when I’m finished I’ll spray you in the face with a seltzer bottle.”
Feb 23rd
246 notes
Jonathan Safran Foer said on TV that Turkeys are...
“Just like Rush Limbaugh!”
Feb 20th
99 notes
I was apologising for not being perfect.
“Aw baby! Sometimes you’re a dipshit, but you’re never a douchebag.”
Feb 18th
121 notes
She saw the new 'Computer Engineer Barbie'.
Look! They released Cam-Whore Barbie!
Feb 12th
33 notes
She likes KFC nuggets, but only in Australia, not...
“That’s because yours are made of chicken and ours are made of illegal immigrants or something.”
Feb 5th
137 notes
You know that TV show 'Hoarders'?
“I can’t watch that shit because I’m convinced I’m one two-month old magazine and a saved pickle jar away from being one of those people.”
Feb 4th
89 notes
January 2010
5 posts
She was apologising. Kind of.
“I’m sorry. Well, I’m not sorry. I’m sorry you’re a moron.”
Jan 29th
119 notes
She saw a rather unfortunate photo of a naked...
“She looks like a condom stuffed with butter. No, not even butter. Margarine.”
Jan 15th
67 notes
She can't stand Jagermeister
“That stuff is the repressed Christian house-wife of booze. It won’t go down without a fight.”
Jan 15th
96 notes
A female friend asked me out for a drink.
“Be careful. I think she has you on her ‘to do’ list!”
Jan 12th
69 notes
I asked her if she thought she'd be good at...
“No fucking way. I only have two pieces of advice. If you’re under 25 –- shut the fuck up, junior. If you’re over 25 — grow the fuck up, loser.”
Jan 6th
244 notes
December 2009
4 posts
I asked her if she knew if some mutual...
“How should I I know? I can’t be bothered keeping track of the sex lives of the moderately attractive.”
Dec 27th
66 notes
On the radio, Queen's Freddie Mercury was singing...
“Gay guys are always saying how much they like fat chicks. I think it’s because they don’t have to fuck them.”
Dec 24th
113 notes
I asked if we had any Jagermeister in the house.
“No, but I got you Wild Berry Metamucil!”
Dec 6th
36 notes
Cricket was on television. I asked if she was...
“Cricket? I thought this was a gardening show!”
Dec 5th
39 notes
November 2009
11 posts
I was wearing white pants, white shoes, a black...
“I hope the look you’re going for is ‘Pablo Escobar’s Interior Designer’ because you have totally nailed it.”
Nov 28th
49 notes
I told her about Tiger Woods' car accident.
“Was he taking driving lessons from Billy Joel?”
Nov 27th
34 notes
Wait, what?
“I don’t like getting oral sex when I first wake up because then my vagina will have morning breath.”
Nov 21st
136 notes
"Sweetheart," I said. "Wake up, it's morning."
“No. It’s too MUCH morning!”
Nov 15th
45 notes
I was running late for work. She told me it was...
“NEVER FORGET OR THE TERRORISTS WIN!”
Nov 11th
65 notes
She's supportive
“Look at you, being all serious. And nobody caring.”
Nov 11th
83 notes
Preparation for a day at the track.
“I cheated. I only fake-tanned my arms and legs. If I get drunk and get my butt out I’ll blind the horses.”
Nov 8th
39 notes
Retouching
“I don’t know why I bother going to the gym when you’re so good at Photoshop.”
Nov 7th
139 notes
Pilates
“Engaging your core is surprisingly easy when you’re trying to hold in a fart for the last half of class.”
Nov 6th
76 notes
She sent me an update on her day via text message.
“I feel like deep-fried AIDS. Health-wise, not to eat.”
Nov 6th
48 notes
After I answered someone's question as to why I...
“Hey, maybe I haven’t married YOU yet, fuck-face!”
Nov 5th
116 notes
October 2009
12 posts
I'm shaving off my beard to start clean-shaven for...
“Promise me you won’t shave your head too because then you’ll just look like a tree made of skin.”
Oct 29th
48 notes
I was whining about my career and suggested we...
“Where are we going to go? To the magical land of vaginas and cake?”
Oct 28th
92 notes
On buskers*
“You give them money for playing music in public? By that rationale, anyone who’s leered at my tits in public owes me a dollar.” * That’s “Street Performers” for you Americans.
Oct 24th
59 notes
There were two bags of rubbish to take out. I...
“Just check and see if it clinks or stinks!”
Oct 22nd
29 notes
Stuff YOUR Girlfriend Says
My girlfriend is pretty funny, but I bet that I am not the only person in the world who has a razor-witted spouse-equivalent-unit. So I’m kinda keen to hear other people’s stories, tales and verbatim quotes of the crazy stuff that their girlfriends/boyfriends/husbands/wives come up with. If I get enough, and people are willing to let me, I’ll put them up on another blog. So if you’ve got...
Oct 14th
24 notes
She's jealous of women with big enough breasts to...
“I can store things in my cleavage too. I just have to make sure I wipe really well.”
Oct 13th
37 notes
Her view on Kraft's new version of Vegemite.
“Let’s just hope when the zombie apocalypse comes we don’t have to eat the iSnack 2.0, because that stuff looks like someone did a Taco Bell shit in a jar.”
Oct 6th
24 notes
Did you know she used to be a flight attendant?
“I used to love it when people got off international flights and then got straight onto my little 50-seater jets. They’d ask me what their snack choices were, and I’d say ‘Yes, or no?’ with a big sweet smile on my face. Confused the crap out of them.”
Oct 5th
53 notes
It's not just basketball she hates. Netball too.
“If I wanted to see lesbians wearing cardigans tucked into mom-jeans, I’d go down the block and drink beer at the Builder’s Arms.”
Oct 4th
25 notes
After a long explanation on why I don't like emus.
“Ok. I get it. So they are the evangelical Christian republicans of birds - equal parts stupid, insane and dangerous.”
Oct 3rd
78 notes
A friend mentioned that they liked watching...
“That’s because you’re a pervert. It’s not really a spectator sport if you’re just playing spot the camel-toe.”
Oct 2nd
79 notes
We were watching the James Bond film...
“Rape sure looked like a lot more fun in the 60s.”
Oct 1st
48 notes
September 2009
18 posts
I flipped channels over to a basketball game
“Can you turn that off? It sounds like a dolphin-rape orgy.”
Sep 30th
77 notes