January 2012
2 posts
She doesn't like the cinema
“If I wanted to sit in a room and listen to people cough and chew, I’d hand out popcorn in a doctor’s waiting room.”
Jan 22nd
50 notes
On testicles
“You know, I don’t actually like your balls. They’re like the fat friend you have to put up with so you can make out with the hot chick.”
Jan 3rd
112 notes
November 2011
2 posts
I complained about getting some grey hairs.
“It’s OK, George Clooney. I’m sure you’ll find a pot-bellied pig to love you.”
Nov 18th
44 notes
I bruise easier than most people.
“Man, you look like a banana from the bottom of the bin!”
Nov 6th
32 notes
October 2011
2 posts
On chemistry.
“You can’t use silicone lubricant with silicone sex-toys because that’s how you get anti-matter in your vagina.”
Oct 8th
94 notes
On acrylic nails
“Last time I saw nails like that they were in Tommy Lee’s butt-hole!”
Oct 1st
27 notes
September 2011
2 posts
Advice to other women on toilet etiquette.
“Set your piss-muffin to stream instead of spray.”
Sep 28th
113 notes
She sees some upside to my overly long moustache
“At least it covers your gums when you smile!”
Sep 12th
33 notes
July 2011
3 posts
I asked her what laser hair removal was like.
“It felt like being licked by a robot cat.”
Jul 19th
102 notes
An old flame contacted me out of the blue.
“You mean after all this time, bitch is still dickmatized?”
Jul 13th
82 notes
On asexuals.
“I’d much rather date a quadriplegic. At least then you could have some awesome Stephen Hawking Speak’N’Spell sex.”
Jul 13th
47 notes
June 2011
1 post
She knows where she comes from.
“Back then I was a typical asshole southern Californian. I mean, I still am.”
Jun 24th
40 notes
March 2011
3 posts
She's impressed by her own chest.
“I have the perfect sternum-to-tit-meat ratio!”
Mar 28th
76 notes
On underwear.
“Fuck bras. Bras cramp my style.”
Mar 20th
119 notes
On the merits of burgers over steak sandwiches.
“A steak sandwich is just a burger you have to chew harder.”
Mar 1st
57 notes
February 2011
3 posts
I'd been wearing the same jeans for a week.
“At this stage they’re not so much pants as a denim sack held together by farts.”
Feb 15th
126 notes
Because she wasn't drinking alcohol, a friend...
“Why? Do you have to be sober to get an abortion?”
Feb 8th
167 notes
She said she hated getting her period. I asked if...
“Listen, if you started bleeding out of your penis once a month you’d never get used to it. You’d be all ‘oh fuck my penis is bleeding agh I hate my penis’ so I suggest you shut the fuck up!”
Feb 1st
500 notes
January 2011
1 post
A friend was trying to arrange a threesome with...
“Dude, two fives don’t make a ten.”
Jan 3rd
203 notes
December 2010
2 posts
She saw somebody's 'artsy nudes' on the internet.
“It looks like a trout trying to eat its way out of a net!”
Dec 21st
53 notes
On the looks of 1970's era Kenny Rogers
“He looks like the broken-condom baby of Chewbacca and John Denver.”
Dec 4th
35 notes
November 2010
2 posts
I was shirtless and she was squeezing my chest.
“I like your boobs. Er, ‘pecs’.”
Nov 7th
83 notes
If she had to give up one thing, would it be dairy...
“You can make your own orgasms, but you can’t make your own cheese. Unless you’re lactating.”
Nov 7th
214 notes
October 2010
3 posts
Someone threw their shoes at the former Prime...
“This is why you never send a hippy to do an anarchist’s job.”
Oct 25th
142 notes
I thought she'd been flirting with a gay chick.
“That wasn’t flirting. Flirting would be saying ‘Hey baby, watch me eat this mango for half an hour’”.
Oct 25th
127 notes
We read an article on Slate that said 94% of women...
“Orgasms from anal is like beating the big boss in a video game. You don’t get there unless you’ve already beat all the other bosses in the game.” (Here’s the article.)
Oct 24th
97 notes
September 2010
3 posts
On the extreme heat in Los Angeles today.
“I have under-boob sweat. And I don’t even have under-boob!”
Sep 27th
On the film 'Inception'
‘Puffy Leo’
Sep 24th
33 notes
On denim.
“Boot-cut is skinny jeans for the cankle crowd.”
Sep 22nd
93 notes
August 2010
1 post
I gave her a kiss and a hug and said 'I love you'.
“It scares me when you’re affectionate. Do you have cancer?”
Aug 12th
232 notes
July 2010
1 post
On Christina Hendricks.
“Personally, I think she’s stunning. She’s probably pretty imposing in person. Like the first time you see an aircraft carrier in real life.”  
Jul 19th
124 notes
June 2010
3 posts
On cuddling.
“I only like it when I know you don’t want it. Consensual cuddling is so bland.”
Jun 28th
188 notes
On the subject of safer sex.
“Man, if anyone ever came at me with a dental dam, I’d be like ‘What’s that for? Are you planning on wrapping up the left-overs?’”
Jun 26th
92 notes
Altogether
Me: This room smells like farts and toast. It's weird.
Her: It's weird because it's not altogether bad, right?
Jun 20th
15 notes
May 2010
3 posts
On keeping the noise down.
Me: Hey, do you think the neighbours heard us last night?
Her: We were pretty loud, huh?
Me: Maybe we ought to tone it down a little.
Her: Fuck the neighbours. If I have to listen to them play Jeff Buckley, they can listen to me getting nailed.
May 16th
275 notes
Analogies
“Getting a brazilian wax is like putting a spoiler on your car. You can go faster and everyone who sees it knows you care about your ride.”
May 16th
189 notes
She really wanted a ride home after work.
“If you picked me up after work I’d be so happy I’d cry. On your penis. With my mouth.”
May 7th
375 notes
April 2010
1 post
“Don’t even try to tell me I’m not a better person than someone who...”
– We saw some people with those hiking poles. She was not impressed.
Apr 17th
39 notes
March 2010
3 posts
Her: Are you going to stick it in me again later?
Me: That's not very romantic.
Her: We could light a candle.
Mar 26th
I went to have a shower after making the sexytime.
“It’s all right for you. Some of us have to smell like vagina all the time!”
Mar 5th
102 notes
She said 'John Hancock' instead of signature
Me: Er, we don't use that term here.
Her: Of course you don't! That's because he didn't sign your declaration of independence, you non-constitution-having, freedom-of-speech-hating motherfucker!
Mar 2nd
151 notes
February 2010
6 posts
I foolishly told her she'd never be able to...
“Sure I will. Next time we have sex when I’m finished I’ll spray you in the face with a seltzer bottle.”
Feb 23rd
267 notes
Jonathan Safran Foer said on TV that Turkeys are...
“Just like Rush Limbaugh!”
Feb 20th
108 notes
I was apologising for not being perfect.
“Aw baby! Sometimes you’re a dipshit, but you’re never a douchebag.”
Feb 18th
133 notes
She saw the new 'Computer Engineer Barbie'.
Look! They released Cam-Whore Barbie!
Feb 12th
40 notes
She likes KFC nuggets, but only in Australia, not...
“That’s because yours are made of chicken and ours are made of illegal immigrants or something.”
Feb 5th
137 notes
You know that TV show 'Hoarders'?
“I can’t watch that shit because I’m convinced I’m one two-month old magazine and a saved pickle jar away from being one of those people.”
Feb 4th
93 notes
January 2010
5 posts
She was apologising. Kind of.
“I’m sorry. Well, I’m not sorry. I’m sorry you’re a moron.”
Jan 29th
117 notes
She saw a rather unfortunate photo of a naked...
“She looks like a condom stuffed with butter. No, not even butter. Margarine.”
Jan 15th
70 notes
She can't stand Jagermeister
“That stuff is the repressed Christian house-wife of booze. It won’t go down without a fight.”
Jan 15th
102 notes