July 2010
1 post
On Christina Hendricks.
“Personally, I think she’s stunning. She’s probably pretty imposing in person. Like the first time you see an aircraft carrier in real life.”
June 2010
3 posts
On cuddling.
“I only like it when I know you don’t want it. Consensual cuddling is so bland.”
On the subject of safer sex.
“Man, if anyone ever came at me with a dental dam, I’d be like ‘What’s that for? Are you planning on wrapping up the left-overs?’”
Altogether
Me: This room smells like farts and toast. It's weird.
Her: It's weird because it's not altogether bad, right?
May 2010
3 posts
On keeping the noise down.
Me: Hey, do you think the neighbours heard us last night?
Her: We were pretty loud, huh?
Me: Maybe we ought to tone it down a little.
Her: Fuck the neighbours. If I have to listen to them play Jeff Buckley, they can listen to me getting nailed.
Analogies
“Getting a brazilian wax is like putting a spoiler on your car. You can go faster and everyone who sees it knows you care about your ride.”
She really wanted a ride home after work.
“If you picked me up after work I’d be so happy I’d cry. On your penis. With my mouth.”
April 2010
1 post
“Don’t even try to tell me I’m not a better person than someone who...”
– We saw some people with those hiking poles. She was not impressed.
March 2010
3 posts
Her: Are you going to stick it in me again later?
Me: That's not very romantic.
Her: We could light a candle.
I went to have a shower after making the sexytime.
“It’s all right for you. Some of us have to smell like vagina all the time!”
She said 'John Hancock' instead of signature
Me: Er, we don't use that term here.
Her: Of course you don't! That's because he didn't sign your declaration of independence, you non-constitution-having, freedom-of-speech-hating motherfucker!
February 2010
6 posts
I foolishly told her she'd never be able to...
“Sure I will. Next time we have sex when I’m finished I’ll spray you in the face with a seltzer bottle.”
Jonathan Safran Foer said on TV that Turkeys are...
“Just like Rush Limbaugh!”
I was apologising for not being perfect.
“Aw baby! Sometimes you’re a dipshit, but you’re never a douchebag.”
She saw the new 'Computer Engineer Barbie'.
Look! They released Cam-Whore Barbie!
She likes KFC nuggets, but only in Australia, not...
“That’s because yours are made of chicken and ours are made of illegal immigrants or something.”
You know that TV show 'Hoarders'?
“I can’t watch that shit because I’m convinced I’m one two-month old magazine and a saved pickle jar away from being one of those people.”
January 2010
5 posts
She was apologising. Kind of.
“I’m sorry. Well, I’m not sorry. I’m sorry you’re a moron.”
She saw a rather unfortunate photo of a naked...
“She looks like a condom stuffed with butter. No, not even butter. Margarine.”
She can't stand Jagermeister
“That stuff is the repressed Christian house-wife of booze. It won’t go down without a fight.”
A female friend asked me out for a drink.
“Be careful. I think she has you on her ‘to do’ list!”
I asked her if she thought she'd be good at...
“No fucking way. I only have two pieces of advice. If you’re under 25 –- shut the fuck up, junior. If you’re over 25 — grow the fuck up, loser.”
December 2009
4 posts
I asked her if she knew if some mutual...
“How should I I know? I can’t be bothered keeping track of the sex lives of the moderately attractive.”
On the radio, Queen's Freddie Mercury was singing...
“Gay guys are always saying how much they like fat chicks. I think it’s because they don’t have to fuck them.”
I asked if we had any Jagermeister in the house.
“No, but I got you Wild Berry Metamucil!”
Cricket was on television. I asked if she was...
“Cricket? I thought this was a gardening show!”
November 2009
11 posts
I was wearing white pants, white shoes, a black...
“I hope the look you’re going for is ‘Pablo Escobar’s Interior Designer’ because you have totally nailed it.”
I told her about Tiger Woods' car accident.
“Was he taking driving lessons from Billy Joel?”
Wait, what?
“I don’t like getting oral sex when I first wake up because then my vagina will have morning breath.”
"Sweetheart," I said. "Wake up, it's morning."
“No. It’s too MUCH morning!”
I was running late for work. She told me it was...
“NEVER FORGET OR THE TERRORISTS WIN!”
She's supportive
“Look at you, being all serious. And nobody caring.”
Preparation for a day at the track.
“I cheated. I only fake-tanned my arms and legs. If I get drunk and get my butt out I’ll blind the horses.”
Retouching
“I don’t know why I bother going to the gym when you’re so good at Photoshop.”
Pilates
“Engaging your core is surprisingly easy when you’re trying to hold in a fart for the last half of class.”
She sent me an update on her day via text message.
“I feel like deep-fried AIDS. Health-wise, not to eat.”
After I answered someone's question as to why I...
“Hey, maybe I haven’t married YOU yet, fuck-face!”
October 2009
12 posts
I'm shaving off my beard to start clean-shaven for...
“Promise me you won’t shave your head too because then you’ll just look like a tree made of skin.”
I was whining about my career and suggested we...
“Where are we going to go? To the magical land of vaginas and cake?”
On buskers*
“You give them money for playing music in public? By that rationale, anyone who’s leered at my tits in public owes me a dollar.”
* That’s “Street Performers” for you Americans.
There were two bags of rubbish to take out. I...
“Just check and see if it clinks or stinks!”
Stuff YOUR Girlfriend Says
My girlfriend is pretty funny, but I bet that I am not the only person in the world who has a razor-witted spouse-equivalent-unit.
So I’m kinda keen to hear other people’s stories, tales and verbatim quotes of the crazy stuff that their girlfriends/boyfriends/husbands/wives come up with. If I get enough, and people are willing to let me, I’ll put them up on another blog.
So if you’ve got...
She's jealous of women with big enough breasts to...
“I can store things in my cleavage too. I just have to make sure I wipe really well.”
Her view on Kraft's new version of Vegemite.
“Let’s just hope when the zombie apocalypse comes we don’t have to eat the iSnack 2.0, because that stuff looks like someone did a Taco Bell shit in a jar.”
Did you know she used to be a flight attendant?
“I used to love it when people got off international flights and then got straight onto my little 50-seater jets. They’d ask me what their snack choices were, and I’d say ‘Yes, or no?’ with a big sweet smile on my face. Confused the crap out of them.”
It's not just basketball she hates. Netball too.
“If I wanted to see lesbians wearing cardigans tucked into mom-jeans, I’d go down the block and drink beer at the Builder’s Arms.”
After a long explanation on why I don't like emus.
“Ok. I get it. So they are the evangelical Christian republicans of birds - equal parts stupid, insane and dangerous.”
A friend mentioned that they liked watching...
“That’s because you’re a pervert. It’s not really a spectator sport if you’re just playing spot the camel-toe.”
We were watching the James Bond film...
“Rape sure looked like a lot more fun in the 60s.”
September 2009
18 posts
I flipped channels over to a basketball game
“Can you turn that off? It sounds like a dolphin-rape orgy.”