January 2012
2 posts
She doesn't like the cinema
“If I wanted to sit in a room and listen to people cough and chew, I’d hand out popcorn in a doctor’s waiting room.”
On testicles
“You know, I don’t actually like your balls. They’re like the fat friend you have to put up with so you can make out with the hot chick.”
November 2011
2 posts
I complained about getting some grey hairs.
“It’s OK, George Clooney. I’m sure you’ll find a pot-bellied pig to love you.”
I bruise easier than most people.
“Man, you look like a banana from the bottom of the bin!”
October 2011
2 posts
On chemistry.
“You can’t use silicone lubricant with silicone sex-toys because that’s how you get anti-matter in your vagina.”
On acrylic nails
“Last time I saw nails like that they were in Tommy Lee’s butt-hole!”
September 2011
2 posts
Advice to other women on toilet etiquette.
“Set your piss-muffin to stream instead of spray.”
She sees some upside to my overly long moustache
“At least it covers your gums when you smile!”
July 2011
3 posts
I asked her what laser hair removal was like.
“It felt like being licked by a robot cat.”
An old flame contacted me out of the blue.
“You mean after all this time, bitch is still dickmatized?”
On asexuals.
“I’d much rather date a quadriplegic. At least then you could have some awesome Stephen Hawking Speak’N’Spell sex.”
June 2011
1 post
She knows where she comes from.
“Back then I was a typical asshole southern Californian. I mean, I still am.”
March 2011
3 posts
She's impressed by her own chest.
“I have the perfect sternum-to-tit-meat ratio!”
On underwear.
“Fuck bras. Bras cramp my style.”
On the merits of burgers over steak sandwiches.
“A steak sandwich is just a burger you have to chew harder.”
February 2011
3 posts
I'd been wearing the same jeans for a week.
“At this stage they’re not so much pants as a denim sack held together by farts.”
Because she wasn't drinking alcohol, a friend...
“Why? Do you have to be sober to get an abortion?”
She said she hated getting her period. I asked if...
“Listen, if you started bleeding out of your penis once a month you’d never get used to it. You’d be all ‘oh fuck my penis is bleeding agh I hate my penis’ so I suggest you shut the fuck up!”
January 2011
1 post
A friend was trying to arrange a threesome with...
“Dude, two fives don’t make a ten.”
December 2010
2 posts
She saw somebody's 'artsy nudes' on the internet.
“It looks like a trout trying to eat its way out of a net!”
On the looks of 1970's era Kenny Rogers
“He looks like the broken-condom baby of Chewbacca and John Denver.”
November 2010
2 posts
I was shirtless and she was squeezing my chest.
“I like your boobs. Er, ‘pecs’.”
If she had to give up one thing, would it be dairy...
“You can make your own orgasms, but you can’t make your own cheese. Unless you’re lactating.”
October 2010
3 posts
Someone threw their shoes at the former Prime...
“This is why you never send a hippy to do an anarchist’s job.”
I thought she'd been flirting with a gay chick.
“That wasn’t flirting. Flirting would be saying ‘Hey baby, watch me eat this mango for half an hour’”.
We read an article on Slate that said 94% of women...
“Orgasms from anal is like beating the big boss in a video game. You don’t get there unless you’ve already beat all the other bosses in the game.”
(Here’s the article.)
September 2010
3 posts
On the extreme heat in Los Angeles today.
“I have under-boob sweat. And I don’t even have under-boob!”
On the film 'Inception'
‘Puffy Leo’
On denim.
“Boot-cut is skinny jeans for the cankle crowd.”
August 2010
1 post
I gave her a kiss and a hug and said 'I love you'.
“It scares me when you’re affectionate. Do you have cancer?”
July 2010
1 post
On Christina Hendricks.
“Personally, I think she’s stunning. She’s probably pretty imposing in person. Like the first time you see an aircraft carrier in real life.”
June 2010
3 posts
On cuddling.
“I only like it when I know you don’t want it. Consensual cuddling is so bland.”
On the subject of safer sex.
“Man, if anyone ever came at me with a dental dam, I’d be like ‘What’s that for? Are you planning on wrapping up the left-overs?’”
Altogether
Me: This room smells like farts and toast. It's weird.
Her: It's weird because it's not altogether bad, right?
May 2010
3 posts
On keeping the noise down.
Me: Hey, do you think the neighbours heard us last night?
Her: We were pretty loud, huh?
Me: Maybe we ought to tone it down a little.
Her: Fuck the neighbours. If I have to listen to them play Jeff Buckley, they can listen to me getting nailed.
Analogies
“Getting a brazilian wax is like putting a spoiler on your car. You can go faster and everyone who sees it knows you care about your ride.”
She really wanted a ride home after work.
“If you picked me up after work I’d be so happy I’d cry. On your penis. With my mouth.”
April 2010
1 post
“Don’t even try to tell me I’m not a better person than someone who...”
– We saw some people with those hiking poles. She was not impressed.
March 2010
3 posts
Her: Are you going to stick it in me again later?
Me: That's not very romantic.
Her: We could light a candle.
I went to have a shower after making the sexytime.
“It’s all right for you. Some of us have to smell like vagina all the time!”
She said 'John Hancock' instead of signature
Me: Er, we don't use that term here.
Her: Of course you don't! That's because he didn't sign your declaration of independence, you non-constitution-having, freedom-of-speech-hating motherfucker!
February 2010
6 posts
I foolishly told her she'd never be able to...
“Sure I will. Next time we have sex when I’m finished I’ll spray you in the face with a seltzer bottle.”
Jonathan Safran Foer said on TV that Turkeys are...
“Just like Rush Limbaugh!”
I was apologising for not being perfect.
“Aw baby! Sometimes you’re a dipshit, but you’re never a douchebag.”
She saw the new 'Computer Engineer Barbie'.
Look! They released Cam-Whore Barbie!
She likes KFC nuggets, but only in Australia, not...
“That’s because yours are made of chicken and ours are made of illegal immigrants or something.”
You know that TV show 'Hoarders'?
“I can’t watch that shit because I’m convinced I’m one two-month old magazine and a saved pickle jar away from being one of those people.”
January 2010
5 posts
She was apologising. Kind of.
“I’m sorry. Well, I’m not sorry. I’m sorry you’re a moron.”
She saw a rather unfortunate photo of a naked...
“She looks like a condom stuffed with butter. No, not even butter. Margarine.”
She can't stand Jagermeister
“That stuff is the repressed Christian house-wife of booze. It won’t go down without a fight.”