Latest Tweets:

*49

She doesn’t like the cinema

“If I wanted to sit in a room and listen to people cough and chew, I’d hand out popcorn in a doctor’s waiting room.”

On testicles

“You know, I don’t actually like your balls. They’re like the fat friend you have to put up with so you can make out with the hot chick.”

*44

I complained about getting some grey hairs.

“It’s OK, George Clooney. I’m sure you’ll find a pot-bellied pig to love you.”

*32

I bruise easier than most people.

“Man, you look like a banana from the bottom of the bin!”

*94

On chemistry.

“You can’t use silicone lubricant with silicone sex-toys because that’s how you get anti-matter in your vagina.”

*27

On acrylic nails

“Last time I saw nails like that they were in Tommy Lee’s butt-hole!”

Advice to other women on toilet etiquette.

“Set your piss-muffin to stream instead of spray.”

*33

She sees some upside to my overly long moustache

“At least it covers your gums when you smile!”

I asked her what laser hair removal was like.

“It felt like being licked by a robot cat.”

*82

An old flame contacted me out of the blue.

“You mean after all this time, bitch is still dickmatized?”